please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Randomize
