I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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