i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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