I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
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