dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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