Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Randomize
