How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
