Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Randomize
