I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
