I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
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