My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Randomize
