well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I am spending my child support on dildos
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
