My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Randomize
