Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Randomize
