Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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