Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Randomize
