I wish I could punch you in the face.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
