I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
