The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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