My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Randomize
