I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
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