Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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