just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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