the condom got lost in my hair
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
