I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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