i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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