remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Randomize
