I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Randomize
