I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Randomize
