drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Randomize
