...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
