you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
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