the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
