I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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