Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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