K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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