hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
