You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
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