I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
