I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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