I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
