My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
she looked like the before picture.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Randomize
