clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
