Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
