Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize