I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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