Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
We discussed how the marijuana was making the dopamine float around our nucleus accumbens last night when we were high. Yet another example of how our science classes are perverting our good times.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
