worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
