Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
