college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Randomize
