Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
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