Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Randomize
