quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize