I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
