I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
