I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
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