just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
