drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
