It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
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