I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
